


I'm a Real Boy!

by Dramaticdragon



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Introspection, M/M, MILD angst its mostly just introspection fam, Viktor feels sad and empty but he do be loving his husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:42:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25134832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaticdragon/pseuds/Dramaticdragon
Summary: Sometimes, Viktor doesn't feel entirely real. Yuuri can help him back down to earth.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	I'm a Real Boy!

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally just about 3,000 words of me analyzing this young lad and that's that on that. enjoy.

Viktor was sometimes baffled by Yuuri’s mind. In good ways, and sometimes not so good ways. Yuuri had the capabilities to come up with the most beautiful of ideas, his mind could create melodies and sequences that could leave Viktor in the dust. Despite his insecurities, Yuuri still had an unshakable sense of self and identity. Was it always the best identity, no. But still, Yuuri knew who he was, in his good moods and bad. He never questioned who he was.

Yet sometimes, Yuuri’s mind worked against him. He had acquired this idea along the way, that he wasn’t “as good” as Viktor, or something. To be completely honest, Viktor actually didn’t 100% understand what was going through Yuuri’s mind. At first, Viktor was certain it was just in medals, or something, because yes, true, Viktor had more medals. Correct. But it seemed to be more than that, especially considering Yuuri literally broke one of Viktor’s records. So if it wasn’t skating, what could it be? They were on relatively equal planes when it came to housekeeping skills, cooking and cleaning and so on. So living together in St. Petersburg wasn’t some huge shock to home life, at least. So, not skating or housekeeping skills. Not languages, since Yuuri seemed to be picking up Russian way faster than should be allowed, especially considering his Russian was surpassing Viktor’s Japanese- and he really tried to learn in Japan! Surely it wasn’t a matter of appearance, because in Viktor’s eyes, Yuuri was arguably the single most attractive person alive on the planet. Actually, it wasn’t “arguably”, it was just plain fact. Yuuri was a college graduate, so he was a very intelligent man as well. Smart, hot, funny, and talented, what a quadruple threat!

So _why_ was he so insecure sometimes?! When Viktor was insecure, it was usually about very real, accurate problems- like his large forehead and receding hairline. He could be insecure about that because it wasn’t an opinion, he was just losing hair. Which _sucks_. But Viktor isn’t trying to figure out his hairline right now. For some reason, Yuuri often had these intangible insecurities. He often would argue with Viktor, when they were first dating and Viktor tried to be a little too affectionate, because- and quote: “You’re _Viktor_!”. Those ones especially confused Viktor. Like, yes, I am. Good job?

Viktor understood that Yuuri was once (still is?) a fan of Viktor’s, so he got the whole “hero worship” thing going on, he wasn’t a stranger to that. But with all the other fans that could reasonably say “oh, Viktor would never say that about me!”, well- they were right. Viktor wouldn’t. But he does mean it when he says those things to Yuuri!!! And Viktor should be able to decide who Viktor can love!

It was especially baffling when he tried to figure out what “You’re Viktor” means to himself. If anything, it is easier to understand what Yuuri is trying to say, versus what it means to Viktor himself. Because, frankly, Viktor wasn’t really sure he knew a whole lot about this “Viktor” guy.

As a lonely child, he threw his life into his craft, skating to be the best, and got the rush of hearing the audience gasp when he surprised them. That was arguably when he felt his best, and most _real_ , when he surprised people. Winning 5 consecutive golds was easy, if skating was quite literally your whole life. No family ties to hold you back, the only joy coming from the ice. Then, as a lonely adult, the ice started to lose it’s shine, too. He felt like with each fan coming to greet him for a picture, or autograph, or with each press interview, he was giving out a small puzzle piece of his soul. Nothing major, but when you gave away pieces all of the time, you start to quickly forget the original picture. “How did you get into skating”, they would ask, “What’s your favorite moment in your skating career”, they would ask, “How do you put your whole soul into your performances like that”, they would ask. But Viktor didn’t feel like his soul was going into his skating, lately, or at least only what few drops was left.

That was, of course, back then. This is now, with feelings, with joy, with happiness, with _Yuuri_.

And when Yuuri put his soul into his skating, there was so much soul to go in, it nearly overflowed. Which is probably why he was so nervous all of the time, Viktor figured- there’s just too much of him to fit in that small body. A perfect juxtaposition to Viktor, who’s tall body was hollow inside.

“But you’re Viktor!” Yuuri used to say.

He doesn’t say it as much now.

Maybe he simply gained more confidence in their relationship and in himself. Viktor hopes that was the truth. Not the other option- that Yuuri had realized that there wasn’t much to “Viktor”. That the “Viktor” he idolized and dreamed of skating with, was just some pretty face on the poster. There was no such thing as that Viktor.

But instead of being more complex of a person than those posters, Viktor often still felt like he was the two-dimensional one.

We was getting better, truthfully. With Yuuri’s help, and the help of all of Yuuri’s family. They all had such big personalities. It was hard not to pick up a couple pieces of yourself when a little old Japanese lady asked you for the third time that morning if you liked the tea she made, because she was just that sweet. It was hard not to feel something when your crush’s sister drew a butt on your cheek with Sharpie when you passed out in the living room. They felt like real people. The house was lived in, not simply occupied like Viktor’s.

And now that Yuuri was here, in his apartment, it was starting to look lived in, too. Seeing things like a framed family photo, and leftover dishes from the night before, helped Viktor a little. A lot of little things Yuuri did helped him feel real.

He still didn’t feel completely real yet. He had feelings, more of them now, but he didn’t really exist as a person yet. He was just, some being that had feelings and skated, but sometimes when he looked in the mirror, he would be startled seeing something looking back. Like he forgot he was tangible, that he existed in the same way everyone else did.

Yuuri never seemed to have this problem. His only problem with mirrors was when he tried to turn around for the seventh time to make sure he didn’t look “fatter” from any angle- as if he had a bad angle, yeah right. He was so aware of his existence, he was almost too aware. He wanted to take up less space sometimes, while Viktor just wanted to take up any space.

This was, of course, not a daily problem. There could be plenty of days, weeks even, before Viktor had another day like this. They were getting fewer and further between. But somehow, now that he had more to live for, they seemed to hit harder when they hit. Perhaps before, he was so used to this emptiness, he didn’t even notice. But these days, as he is starting to finally fill back up, his “empty days” seem so startling.

He even told Yuuri about this problem, although it was only a week ago. It was a difficult thing to do. Yuuri cried, but Viktor wasn’t sure why at first. Yuuri told him it was because he was sad. Was he sad that Viktor had a weakness? But later, when Yuuri had calmed some, he explained better- he was sad that Viktor had been hurting for so long, even before they met, and how badly he wanted to go back in time and fix it before the problem started.

Viktor felt very full after hearing that.

Somehow, Yuuri managed to acknowledge that his past self also existed, and deserved love, too. Not just today’s Viktor. Perhaps it was a simple idea to some people, the idea that you’re still you, years later. But Viktor often felt that his life was split into “pre-Yuuri” and “post-Yuuri”. Not that he didn’t have important memories before Yuuri, of course, but nothing as bright and shining as marrying the man who gave him light in his life again.

Yuuri had told Viktor to tell him, when days like that came up. It was similar to the promise Yuuri had made Viktor, that he would tell him when he was nervous so they could work through it together. Viktor agreed.

He didn’t think he’d have another day like that so quickly though. He worried that if he told Yuuri, he would be disappointing him. Yuuri agreed to help, sure, but did he know what he was agreeing to?

Viktor turned over on the couch- they had just finished breakfast, and as it was their off day, they were simply lounging on the large couch and Yuuri was flipping through Netflix. Viktor laid with his head on Yuuri’s lap, a large black throw blanket over the rest of him. He turned to look up at Yuuri.

He made a promise. He’d keep it.

“Hey, Yuuri.” Viktor said, his voice a little scratchy since he hadn’t talked much today yet.

“Yeah?” Yuuri asked, looking down from the TV.

Viktor didn’t really know how to say it. What is he supposed to say? Is there a codeword? When Yuuri was nervous, he’d just say “I’m feeling nervous”. What was Viktor feeling though?

“You know how you told me, to tell you when I got, um,” Viktor started, trying to find the adjective.

“Is today like that?” Yuuri asked, the beautiful perfect genius man that he is, figuring out what Viktor meant.

Viktor nodded in Yuuri’s lap.

Yuuri set down the remote on the arm rest, using one hand to brush some of Viktor’s hair out of his face, and the other placed over his blanket-covered hands.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor thought about it. He hadn’t planned this far, yet. He was just honoring the promise he made to Yuuri, to tell him. He forgot there might be things after that.

“I’m not sure,” He answered honestly.

Yuuri nodded.

“Do you want me to talk, then? Get your mind off it, maybe?” Yuuri offered. Sometimes, when he was nervous, Viktor would just talk about whatever came to his mind, to help ground Yuuri.

And right now, Yuuri’s voice sounded wonderfully grounding.

Viktor nodded again.

“Well, right now I’m feeling kind of annoyed at Netflix, but it might just be because I got used to the Japanese Netflix, and I don’t really know many of the shows on your Netflix. I forgot they have different shows per region. When I was in college, Phichit and I shared a VPN, so we could use the American Netflix, and every other region too. I know VPNs do other things, too, for security, but really all I used it for was just streaming sites. It was cheap enough, so I didn’t really feel like I was misusing it, y’know? Anyway, Russian Netflix seems to have a lot of drama movies. Maybe that’s why you and Yurio are dramatic, you watch too much Russian Netflix.”

Yuuri continued talking about Netflix and VPNs and eventually trailed off to talking about this one series he _knew_ he watched back in Detroit, but couldn’t remember the name, and has yet to find it again.

It didn’t exactly cure Viktor. But it did help, a lot. His mind felt less filled with smoke and fog, and more filled with Yuuri’s voice. He didn’t register everything Yuuri said, but he did love the sound of it. He even started throwing in some smaller Russian sentences, which was always a treat.

Viktor closed his eyes, leaning into Yuuri’s stomach. This was nice. Frankly, Viktor didn’t mind being emptied, if it meant he could get refilled listening to Yuuri talk.

“And, um…” Yuuri trailed off, probably out of lighthearted things to say, “Viktor?”

“Mhmm?”

“How are you feeling now?”

So concerned, how kind.

“Better.” He answered honestly again.

“Do you want me to keep talking, or do you want to talk? Or neither?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor thought for a moment. Good question.

“Can I talk to you about one of those Russian dramas you hate so much? I’ve actually seen one of the ones you named.” Viktor said.

“I’d love to hear about it,” Yuuri smiled, and Viktor told him all about it. About the leading wife, who had an affair, about the brother of the husband, who caught it, and the neighborhood teen who threatened blackmail, everything he could remember. He wasn’t even that big of a fan, he just remembered most of the general story.

It wasn’t talking about feelings, or lack thereof, but somehow, it was just what Viktor needed. _Real_ people talk about TV shows and Netflix and drama. Real people laugh when their husband, on their lap, tries to gesture despite being under a blanket from the neck down. Real people can look up, and see their equally real husband, and slowly start to forget why he was even talking about some drama in the first place. Real people can trail off, and instead talk about how much they love their incredibly beautiful husband- who turns a very real shade of red.

There was nothing particularly important about that morning, or anything they did or talked about. But it was perfect, to Viktor.

Perfectly _real_.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm much better lately, but can you tell I often feel ~not real~


End file.
